Spotlight: Interview with a woman sex addict

The following is an interview with a woman who self-identified as being in recovery from a sex addiction.  She is in her 40's, professional, and married with children.  She asked to remain anonymous for the sake of her privacy; she used the pseudonym "Nora."  I asked her about her addiction and about being a woman and sex addict.  I began by asking her to describe her sexual addiction:

Dr. S: How would you describe your sex addiction?

Nora: At this point in my recovery, many previous problematic behaviors have dropped away, leaving only the core of my addiction - which started in early childhood - masturbation with disturbing fantasy.  So in describing my sex addiction, I would say that I have been able to let go of all my problem behaviors without great difficulty but struggled to achieve abstinence with masturbation with those fantasies.  I am currently sober and have been for some time, one day at a time.   My addiction started in early childhood, and later was obscured by the acting-out I was doing with men.  But it was all deeply influenced by the control and rage-based fantasy world which started in my childhood.

Dr. S: How did you know it was an addiction?

Nora: I was unable to stop my behaviors on my own.  I would make promises to myself to stop having one-night stands, unprotected sex and falling in desperation (love) with unavailable men.  I would be in one desperate relationship, and cheat on that person, intrigue with other men, or cheat on him in my fantasies, and go from one bad situation to the next - from my teens until my late 20's.  I started therapy because I was terribly unhappy, and early-on in treatment(link is external) my therapist told me to go to Al Anon because I had a family history and relationship history being with others who struggled with alcohol and drugs.  I began understanding I was a co-dependent but I wasn't able to yet accept my own sex and sex and love addiction issues. 

Dr. S.: What made you accept that you were powerless over it/that it was an addiction?

Nora: Accepting my powerlessness has come in stages in my sex addiction recovery.  About a year or so into individual therapy my therapist, who had already told me to go to Al Anon, next told me I needed to go to SAA [Sex Addicts Anonymous].  I was angry and refused.  I am surprised that somehow I didn't quit therapy.  But later I was a bit more open because I could see my inability to stop acting-out sexually and with love addiction.  I hit bottom.  Prior to my bottom, I was sure I had met the love of my life: a seminary student who was moving out of the country in a week.  I was certain I would be able to convince him to stay and be with me!  When he left and I never heard from him again I came crashing down.  I remember looking around and seeing natural beauty, and happy people, and I was miserable.  I remember thinking that I had to quit these behaviors and get a grip.  I went into to therapy deeply humbled and told my therapist I was going to go to SAA meetings.  

Dr. S.: What made you feel like you needed recovery?  What did you do for recovery?

Nora: I went to SAA.  Unfortunately I didn't continue to go to Al Anon.  I didn't understand at the time the struggle I had with co-dependency was as serious as my sex addiction problem.  I was still confused and thought that now that I was in SAA that would take care of everything.  Of course it didn't and later I realized a lot of my inability to get completely sober in SAA was because I wasn't working on my co-dependency.  After a while I returned to Al Anon and remain in both programs now.  I am not in AA but I understand from AA friends who also go to Al Anon they consider themselves "double winners".  I hope that is true for me as well.